


Please Don't

by kaahiescheck



Category: Glee
Genre: AU, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Season/Series 06, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-10 19:55:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3301604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaahiescheck/pseuds/kaahiescheck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A prompt from Tumblr asking for a Season Six AU fic of Kurt working on a hotline for depression/suicide, and Blaine calls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please Don't

**Author's Note:**

> "anderson-hastings:
> 
> Season 6 AU fic prompt:
> 
> In order to regain some sense of importance and self-worth in his life after the break-up, Kurt starts working at a depression/suicide crisis hotline. 
> 
> One night, he gets a caller whose voice he knows all too well. It’s Blaine. And he wants to kill himself."
> 
> I wrote it. I have no idea if it's good or bad, seeing as I have never struggled with anything of the kind, so I apologise if somebody doesn't like it or feels offended. I'm actually pretty proud of this piece, so I hope it helped.

Kurt was sure he’d successfully saved the lives of two people that night. He’d been there for them, listened, talked, advised, calmed them down until they thanked him. Every time he kept a person from taking their own life, he felt like he could breathe again. He felt as if his existence had such a bigger purpose now.

The boy who had hung up on him last, a couple of minutes ago, didn’t fit into the category which Kurt was  _sure_  he’d saved. The fourteen-year-old teen had sounded less distressed by the end of it, but he had a breakdown and disconnected the call, leaving Kurt to his own thoughts again.

One might call working on a hotline for depressed and suicidal people a tad, you know, depressing. But it wasn’t like that for Kurt. It was extremely rewarding, and it was a nice way to fill the hole the breakup had left in him.

Kurt shook his head. Here and now wasn’t the time to think of this.

Right on cue, the phone rang. He took his usual calming breath and picked up, “Hello, how can I help you tonight?”

At first, he only heard a sniff, which was completely normal. A lot of people took some time to start spilling their problems. There had been that one girl who’d kept silent for five minutes, only breathing, and in the end she’d said that that had been exactly what she needed. So Kurt waited.

“Should I do it?”

The voice belonged to a boy. It was small, soft, and it was shaking. And it was really familiar. But no, of course it wasn’t  _him_. He had just been monopolizing his thoughts and now Kurt’s head was messy. That was all.

Swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, Kurt went for the approach he usually took, “Do you wanna talk about what you’re feeling right now?”

There was more silence. It stretched for 10 seconds, roughly.

The boy chuckled. “Wow. Now I definitely know that I’m going insane.”

Kurt’s hands tightened into fists. That chuckle was  _very_  familiar. And the voice sounded too much like Blaine’s. And just thinking about Blaine calling a hotline like this made Kurt want to throw up.

When he spoke next, his own voice was shaky. “W-why would you think that?”

The boy breathed in,  _and,_   _God, that is exactly how Blaine breathes into the phone_ , and whispered, “What’s your name?”

“Kurt.” That was a common question.

A gasp.

“You have  _got_  to be kidding me. Yep. I’m insane. Excuse me while I go –”

“Blaine?” Kurt asked despairingly, not wanting to know where that sentence was going.

This time, Kurt couldn’t tell himself to keep his cool while he was met with only silence from the other end of the line. He could already feel himself starting to hyperventilate. His fists were so tight that they were cutting off circulation to his fingers.

Until finally, “Yeah, I knew it was your voice.”

“I-I…” Kurt stammered, not sure what to do. He wanted to ask Blaine what the  _hell_  he was doing calling this hotline, but he  _had_  called this hotline, which meant he was in a fragile state and that Kurt had to be a little more sensible.

“It’s just that I’ve been hearing your voice so much that I thought it was just another trick of my mind,” Blaine continued, his voice still miserable.

“You’ve been hearing my voice?” Yes, there you go. Talk him through it.

Blaine sniffed. “Maybe I should call again and get another person to –”

“Don’t you dare!” Kurt interrupted. He heard Blaine holding his breath and took a calming one himself. “Please, just… just talk to me.”  _You’re scaring me_ , he wanted to add. “Tell me what happened.”

Blaine let out a humorless laugh. “I just don’t see the point anymore, you know?”

“No, I don’t know. Please. Explain to me. Talk to me.”

They were quiet for a moment, Kurt trying to regulate his breaths so he wouldn’t cry and Blaine sniffing.

“Why did you stop loving me?” Blaine asked, broken. There were definitely tears in his voice now, and Kurt felt the cold blade rip out his heart. “You never answered me.  _Was_  it something that I did? Because I would have changed for you.”

“Blaine…”

“I would have done  _anything_  to keep you.”

“It wasn’t –”

“ _Anything_ , Kurt,” Blaine interrupted angrily. “You told me, you  _told me_ , you  _promised_ me you wouldn’t wake up one day and realize that you didn’t love me anymore.”

“I didn’t –”

“You said you were always gonna love me! And then one day you just stopped! You took my biggest insecurity, my biggest  _fear_ , and you  _made it happen_.”

“Is that what this is about?” Kurt asked, no judgment in his voice. It was only a soft question, but the fear of the answer had him wiping a tear from his cheek.

“I’m not good enough for anything. Even NYADA kicked me out.  _You_  kicked me out a few months after saying you’d chosen to trust and to love me through everything. If even you did that, who won’t? Who’s never gonna leave me?”

Kurt felt like he stopped breathing altogether. Sure, there had been times before, fights before, when Blaine had used Kurt’s own words against him. However, this was something entirely different. Blaine was quoting him, word by word, piecing speeches together as if he’d had a lot of time to go through these thoughts. And that scared Kurt.

“So, should I do it?” Blaine’s voice interrupted his train of thought, and Kurt shook his head to try and center himself.

“Never,” Kurt managed. The canalized all the fear into passion to stop his voice from shaking. “I don’t want you to think, even for a second, that you’re not worth it.”

“You didn’t think I was worth fighting for.”

The tone of Blaine’s voice killed Kurt. He could hear that he younger man really didn’t see a point anymore.

Kurt sighed and closed his eyes, going for a different approach. “You called this number because you want someone to talk to. Because deep down you don’t wanna do this to yourself. Tell me everything so I can help you.”

“I called to get someone’s neutral view,” Blaine started getting a bit worked up. “Not to confirm that you don’t care about me anymore by acting all professional and unfazed.”

Kurt’s jaw dropped. How could Blaine think he didn’t care? He wanted to scream at him that he was  _barely_  keeping it together, knowing Blaine –  _his Blaine_ , of all people – was thinking of ending his own life. But that wouldn’t help. Blaine hadn’t called to get into a fight.

“Blaine…” he whispered, trying to convey everything he felt into the name. And, yeah, one might still call it love – Kurt knew he would always love Blaine no matter what, and he had only broken things off because they’d been making up more than they had been making love. That in no means meant that he didn’t care. “Just talk to me.”

He could hear Blaine breathing, which was more of a relief than Kurt ever thought it would be. Blaine was alive. He was right there.  _For now_.

“Please,” he insisted, aching to hold him until things got better.

Blaine sighed deeply and sniffed quietly, keeping silent for a moment. Then he started, on a small, broken, voice, “Kurt, you were the love of my life. I gave you my everything. I loved you with all in me. I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my  _life_  with you, and then suddenly… you were gone. Finding somewhere to live was the least of my problems.”

“Did you?” Okay, Kurt knew, stupid question.

“No, I’ve been sleeping in the park for all these months.” Even through the tears, obvious on Blaine’s tone, Kurt heard the sarcasm, and a spark of hope grew in his chest. Blaine inhaled. “I rented an apartment that was as far away from Bushwick as possible, so I wouldn’t accidentally bump into you on the subway.”

Kurt thought he’d gotten used to the knives piercing his heart by this point of the conversation. He’d been wrong.

“Still, I sometimes caught a glimpse of you at NYADA,” Blaine continued. “So I stopped attending the classes we had together. Missed tests and everything.” Yeah, Kurt had noticed that. “After a while, I simply didn’t bother going to  _any_  classes. And they cut me.”

“W-why did you stop?” Kurt cursed himself for stammering. “Music is your passion, Blaine.”

“And you were my muse, Kurt.” Blaine paused to take a shaky breath. “I couldn’t find it in me to play or sing anymore.”

“You performed before you met me.”

“Yes, I know,” Blaine’s voice grew shakier and went back to anger. “I  _know_. I  _did_  have a life before I met you. Everyone tells me that. Do you think it helps? It’s not like I have a time machine.”

_If you did, would you go back and have never stopped on that staircase?_

“Bryan Ferry is waiting for that high five, I believe,” Kurt tried to lighten the mood instead of asking what was on his mind. However, his joke didn’t cause even a humorless chuckle. Kurt sighed and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“For the terrible joke or for what? I don’t want your pity. I know how screwed up I am without you, thank you very much.”

“I’m sorry for giving up on us. I just wanted us to be happy together, but it wasn’t working out the way I’d planned, so I ran.”

Blaine didn’t make any efforts to continue the conversation. The only thing that kept Kurt from shouting out his name was the sound of his breathing, showing that Blaine was still with him. Kurt wondered where he was. The scenes that flashed through his mind weren’t pleasant and made him want to throw up again. He just wanted to wrap Blaine up in his arms and rock him to sleep.

“Blaine?” he called softly, receiving a broken hum in return. “Where are you?”

“In my apartment.”

“I don’t assume your roommates are there.”

“Don’t have any.”

Kurt’s heart clenched and he had to close his eyes again and take a deep breath. Blaine had been alone for God knows how long. Completely on his own, cutting connections to the outside world and letting himself drown in sorrow. Kurt wiped away another tear. “Where in the apartment, exactly?”

Blaine laughed with no emotion. “The cliché sitting-in-the-bathroom-floor-with-a-razor-blade-in-hand. It’s very white in here.”

“We should probably keep it that way, then,” Kurt managed without stuttering. He didn’t want to think about the fact that Blaine was holding something that could actually hurt him. Maybe he was an inch away from pressing it to his skin.

“I don’t know. It’s all mine. I can redecorate all I want.”

“Please put the razor down and keep talking to me.”

“You’re deflecting. Not answering my questions.”

Kurt played back whatever Blaine had asked him and sighed. “It wasn’t something you did, okay? We were both at wrong, and we suck at communication, no matter how much we’d evolved. I just didn’t want us to start hating each other, because…” He sighed again, more deeply. “Because I never stopped loving you. I care about you, I care about  _me_ , and I didn’t want to go from husbands to mortal enemies in a couple of months. We were at each other’s throats.”

Blaine sobbed at the other end of the line. “But  _why_ , Kurt? We were best friends.”

Kurt exhaled for the thousandth time, because he didn’t have the answers he wanted to have, and it was getting frustrating. He had only wanted to make things matter, to make Blaine happy, but they had fallen apart slowly. He couldn’t pinpoint what had happened.

“I don’t know,” he said honestly. “But it happened. Still –  _Blaine_ ,” he raised his tone when another sob wrecked through the phone and his heart skipped a beat. “What happened between us doesn’t define us as individuals. If we can’t work together, that does  _not_  mean there’s something wrong with us. That just makes as humans.”

“Easy for you to say,” Blaine accused through tears. “You’ve got an awesome family, thousands of friends, and this perfect record at college.”

“So do you! Have you called someone about this before?”

“I’m enough of a burden as it is –”

“You  _can’t_  isolate yourself, Blaine. You aren’t a burden. You’re a person, an extremely kind one, who deserves love and attention.” When Blaine only kept on crying, he continued. “I’m sure your mother is worried sick about you. Have you talked to her?”

Kurt had the feeling Blaine shook his head as he sniffed. “She would just go crazy like she did after that Sadie Hawkins I got beaten up.”

“She did have a reason to be concerned. Does she have one now?”

“She’s gonna throw me at some therapist and –”

“Have you considered seeing one? At all? It could help you.”

“Getting away from here would help me!” Blaine yelled, and Kurt noticed their voices had been escalating through the last few sentences and breathed for a moment. He didn’t want to fight, they  _couldn’t_  fight, because when they fought Kurt sometimes said irrational things that he didn’t mean, and he couldn’t afford a misunderstanding that right now. “So now that I’ve explained everything, I’ll ask again, Kurt. Should I do it?”

“No!” Kurt failed to lower his voice and winced. He took another calming breath and repeated in a nicer tone, “No, never.”

Blaine let out a disbelieving sound. It almost brought Kurt to outright panic. He was losing his mind and not going right about this.

“Blaine, please, I love you, I care about you, a lot of people care about you, don’t do this. Please. Our break-up isn’t the end of the world. Couples break-up all the time. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

“Then why does it feel like the end of the world, huh? At least for me. I’m sure you’re up and about living your life to its fullest.”

“How do you think I ended up with this job?”

Kurt thought he would have to explain, but Blaine’s silence didn’t ask for it. He knew Blaine had understood. They had always gotten each other. And maybe the shock of hearing that the break-up had affected Kurt as well shifted something in Blaine, because his breaths got less labored.

“Drop the razor, honey,” Kurt tried again, in the sweetest tone he could manage. “Your skin is so beautiful. It would kill me to see you do something to it. Just drop it, okay?”

He was getting ready to plead some more after a couple of heartbeats of silence, but the sound of a blade hitting porcelain floor hit his ears, and he felt like he could breathe again.

“Okay,” he sighed in relief. “Thank you.”

Blaine said nothing. His breaths and sniffs were still the only reassurance Kurt had that the call hadn’t ended, so he tried to hang onto that. After almost a full minute with nothing more, though, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

“Talk to me?”

It took a couple more hesitant moments, but Blaine finally spoke with a different voice, so small and fragile, it could break as easily as a crystal glass, “I miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” Kurt said, and it was true. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t miss him dearly.

Blaine sniffed more loudly. “I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep. Probably after the last time we had sex.” Which had been four days before their break-up. Three months ago.

“Then get to bed,” Kurt suggested softly, struggling to put on his coat, which had been draped over his chair, behind him.

“It won’t work.”

“Just do it, okay? Get off the bathroom floor and get comfortable. Pajamas and everything.”

“Still –”

“Blaine, honey?” Kurt interrupted as he got up, straining against the headphone’s line attached to the device on the table. He saw with the corner of his eye a couple of other people who weren’t on the phone with anyone looking at him curiously. Kurt wondered if they’d done that when he was almost yelling. “Do it. And tell me your address.”

He heard Blaine sucking in a breath. “Why would you want to know that?”

The way he spoke, as if he couldn’t even begin to fathom why somebody would want to know a basic thing about him, broke Kurt’s heart. The cut was very deep. Blaine needed a therapist. He needed help. And Kurt couldn’t believe he hadn’t caught onto the deepness of Blaine’s struggle with his self-esteem throughout the years he’d known him. However, he couldn’t dwell on what he didn’t do in the past. He had to act now so this situation wouldn’t repeat itself. Ever again, if Kurt had any say in it.

“Because I’m not leaving you again. Especially not now. I’m making sure you get some sleep and feel loved.”

“Are you implying you’re coming all the way here to have sex with me?” Blaine asked with a hint of teasing.

Kurt smiled and grabbed his own cell-phone. “Not tonight, honey. I’m going all the way there for only you, no second agenda.”

It took some more convincing until Blaine spilled his address, and Kurt made sure to call him from his own phone so they could keep in touch during Kurt’s trip to the apartment. He ignored the fact that his shift hadn’t ended and ignored his coworkers’ looks as he left. At the end of the night, he’d have tucked Blaine in and lain down next to him, holding him close and listening to him fall asleep, finally relaxed, both of them breathing normally at last.


End file.
